Life After El Salvador

May 30th, 2012

Todd and I visited Petoskey after our study abroad experience.

Well, it has been over a week since I've returned from El Salvador.  Ok, maybe closer to two weeks, but who's counting.  I waited to write this final entry because I needed time and space to let things gel--my trip experiences, my life here, family, and just the general uncertainty of my newly graduated life.  When I returned, I slammed back into action pretty quickly, but have finally had some time to think and write again.

When people ask me about my trip, I find my self stumped and somewhat tongue tied.  I find myself wondering about who is asking, how much time we have to talk, and if I have access to my pictures or not.  I realize I need to have varied versions of my trip experience to share because of time and relational differences.  Right now, I don't know how well I am doing communicating all this.  However, I do know that I can share a lot easier with my pictures in front of me.

I am grateful for my family and friends here with whom I have had long conversations about the trip.  My husband and I spent a lot of time after I returned talking over Salvadorian coffee, catching each other up on the past events of the two weeks.  My parents and brother were avid followers of the blog, and were very engaged in my pictures and stories as we celebrated Mother's Day together.  My six year old niece sat with me the whole time as I shared many of my pictures with her and my sister.  These moments and many more showed me once again the richness within my current community.  The beauty and depth of these relationships were highlighted after witnessing the powerful communities within El Salvador.  Needless to say, I feel blessed.

Todd and I hiking around Little Traverse Bay.

My life is still in transition right now.  I am trying to do a moral inventory of my life--what I wear, eat, buy, value, and see if these line up with fair and sustainable practices.  Also, I am really aware of my comforts and am trying to reconcile how I live in the States but still keep my head clear and maintain a global perspective on "need" verses "want".  I am also wondering how luxuries and comforts that I experience take the edge off my consciousness and seem to insulate me from the struggles that others around the world face daily.

I do keep thinking of Santa Marta, as challenging as it was for me personally.  I keep going to the community in my mind--seeking peace, love and comfort within those memories.  It's weird because I didn't feel comfortable in a physical sense there at the time, but somehow the memories have these warm feelings embedded within them.

So, at this point, I will continue to carry El Salvador within me as live and work here.  My trip as well as my reflection time upon being back has led me to focus on certain principles.  I am convinced that being present is ultimately important as I move forward.  Also, I believe it is also important to not fear fear or doubt but to remember who I am, whose I am, where I've been, and where I am, and to be aware of where I am going.  As I move forward on this journey, I will work to have open hands to whatever comes my way.

Day 14

Today we left our beloved Oasis hotel.  It really turned into a home for us.  Damion, Carolina, their family and staff were wonderful to us, and we all cherished our time at their place.  Every meal we had there was amazing.  The bottled water was always chilled and ready to hydrate our overheated bodies, and we all collected new, stylish pieces from Carolina's jewelry store collection.

Crazy Riptide!

After we left, we headed to the beach.  It was a perfect way to transition further to home.  We enjoyed our day of rest, and made numerous trips to the Pacific for a playful wrestle with the waves!  We did have to be careful because the rip tide was extremely strong.  I have never felt anything like that in an ocean, so we had a healthy fear.  But that definitely did not keep us from jumping into and riding the waves to the shore.

Emma and I playing in the waves with Dr. Guevara (who is not pictured:))

Angie and I on our final night.

Billy and Debiana relaxing after a day of sun.

During the evening, the group had our final debrief.  We were asked two major questions, "What were we going to leave in El Salvador, and what were we taking home with us from the trip?"  By this time, our group had become very intertwined in one another's life stories, and were able to share honestly our closing thoughts about the trip.  For me, I normally love questions like these.  I love asking them, listening to the responses from them and most of the time, I love answering them.  This time, however, it was very challenging for me to clearly answer these.  So, here is a synopsis of how I attempted to answer these questions.  I know that I will take the stories of the Salvadorians home with me.  In addition, I will also take the stories of my group members with me as well.  I will carry how all of our lives intersected for this moment in time and will cherish the growth we all experienced together.

My community art contribution to "be"

As for how this trip will change my life when I get home, I just don't know.  I have learned that planning out one's life does not work for me.  Plans are constantly revised.  My goal is to live with my eyes centered on my passions and my hands open to the possibilities.  Yet, I do know that this trip was such an invitation to me from God to grow and change.  I do know that I love Central America, specifically El Salvador.  This trip just re-energized the excitement I first felt when I traveled abroad for the first time twelve years ago.  I suspect that my journey abroad is not complete, but do not at this time have any leads or guidance about the capacity or involvement I may have in the future.  As for what I am leaving in El Salvador--I hope to leave some of my entitlement  behind. I do not want to think egocentrically about politics, international affairs or even my daily life choices.  I do not want to continue to be entangled by luxuries and cultural insulation that promises to satisfy but only clouds my heart and mind.  I want to be free to think about how our decisions affect the rights and dignity of others.  I want to clearly hear when I need to make unpopular or sacrificial choices of love.  Through this trip, I have added to the cloud of witnesses that have trusted and acted from a sacred place deep within.  I want to keep the stories of Monsenor Romero, Sister Peggy, Walter, Rosalea and the countless others who have shown how deep love can rise out of suffering and change not only themselves but the world around them.  To me, that is the call of my faith--to embrace the suffering of Christ and to show active love and care to all.  That is the hope I have for change.

One friend I traveled to Haiti with bought me a bracelet years ago. On it was a quote from Mother Teresa stating, "We can do no great things; just small things with great love."  I struggled with that statement for a while.  I wanted to do great things, heroic things and I wanted them to start now!  Yet, as I move more through life, I see doing small things with great love is truly where the action and change begins, builds and revolutionizes.  Monsenor Romero did not turn to the poor to do "great things."  He changed his philosophy because he could no longer subscribe to the corrupt version the church taught him.  He was human, someone who changed slowly over time with many small decisions.  Rosalea didn't take away my fears or anxieties during my stay at her house.  Instead, she loved me through a small, thoughtful and practical action of caring for my physical needs.  Yet, these small actions touched me, and they touch others.

In the words of Sister Peggy, we are all social projects.  So, I conclude tonight that I am a social project who is continually "under construction."  Thanks for reading about an event in "my project" and investing so much in mine!

Grace and peace.

Day 13

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This painting hangs in the UCA campus church in remembrance of the massacre.

In our group presentations this morning, we had some deep reflection on what it means to help.  We spent time debriefing about our service sites.  One of the groups had the opportunity to serve at a local school that uses very holistic and progressive teaching methods for student learning and character formation.  As the group was telling their experience, one member shared his conflict and heart break over having to leave the children after only two days.  The kids did not understand why they could not return, and felt somewhat sad and confused.  We all wrestled with this idea of if helping at times can be harmful or unethical when one is working with populations that are vulnerable.  This discussion led to us pondering the responsibility we have to act or come along side Salvadorians now that we know some of their stories personally.  One of our professors stated that our experiences here are a gift, and they are.  But they also do not come without a responsibility to act.  Which leads me to my questions:  How can I help without oppressing others further?  How do I use the power inequalities between the nations--my US citizenship, monetary possessions and education--to fight injustices instead of contribute to them?  What daily, intentional choices will need to be made in my life to benefit the goods of all, not just our US interests or comforts?  I pray to be open to the ways in which I can act upon this experience. I pray to have courage to accept the responsibilities.

These are the clothes of the priests from the night of their murders.

Speaking of courage, we visited the University of Central America or UCA where the six Jesuit priests from Spain and two women were massacred towards the end of the Salvadorian civil war.  These priests were top scholars and theologians and were voices of liberation theology.  The Army viewed them as threats and as the "brains" of the guerrilla operation.  They were ordered to massacre the priests and leave no witnesses behind.  The military (that was given 1 million dollars a day of support from the US government) pulled these priests from their dorms, dragged them outside, threw them on the ground and literally blew their brains out.  It was symbolically showing that the Army would not tolerate this type of thinking that favored the people and not the military power.  We toured a museum where the clothes they were murdered in were kept in tact.  It also showed other martyrs of the war at that time--women and men.  There were books showcased that had bullet holes ripped through them.  In fact, one of the priests had a book called The Crucified God that was with him.  His blood actually soaked into the book, and it has been preserved with the blood stains in the museum.  Needless to say, this piece of history demonstrates the power of living for a cause so passionately that one would give her life for it.  It illustrates the power of hate, control and corruption and how inhumane it can be in its extreme forms.  Still to this day, not one higher official from the Army has been penalized for any of the war crimes.  Two soldiers that committed the massacre of the Jesuits were convicted and are in prison. Eighty five percent of the human rights violations during the Salvadorian Civil War were done by the Army who our US tax dollars supported.  Five percent of the human rights violations were committed by the guerrilla.  Ten percent of the human rights violations that were committed are not claimed or known to be done by either group. Two weeks after the Truth Commission, the general assembly in El Salvador under President Cristiani gave amnesty to all the war criminals.

A rose garden has been planted in honor of the priests and women who were murdered in the massacre at UCA.

There were also five US women citizens who were martyred during the civil war as well.  I am eager to watch the movie Bread and Roses which tells the stories and deaths of these women.

We visited the Fernado Llort gallery as well and met Fernado!  Many of his paintings were in the UCA church.

During the evening, we were able to visit a really trendy area of El Salvador called Santa Tecla.  We had the freedom to explore and choose our restaurant of choice.  We picked a cozy little restaurant off the cobble stone street and loved it.  Surprisingly, we were able to order a sandwich and savored a wonderful, warm chocolate cake.  The food seemed to remind us of home, and served as one of the first transitions that seemed to beckon us quietly home again.  After the yummy dinner, we spent time practicing our bachata dancing on the sidewalk as we waited for the rest of the group to return.  The most humorous piece of the night was that we had to do a "coffee drop."  Our group collectively ordered 200 pounds of coffee!  We ordered directly from a local, collective farm that organically grows and roasts coffee.  The coffee was so fresh that the bags did not even have labels on them!  Needless to say, our ride home was filled with hopeful fragrances of easy wake ups and warm conversations with hands cradling strong, steamy java.

Day 12

Patty, Brittany and I at the school she attended

During the second day of our service site, we were able to visit local schools on the volcano in El Salvador.  Our liaison has volunteered and worked with these schools and these children for years.  Right now, he has a scholarship program set up where a few students intern for him and he provides work experience and also scholarship funds for their university tuition.  We were able to meet Patty, an intern at La RED, who lived and went to school at one of the schools we visited.  At one of the schools, we interrupted a Mother's Day celebration of kindergarten and elementary students thanking their mothers for all their love and support.  Between the two schools we visited, there was a huge discrepancy between facilities, resources and funding, and the schools were only about five miles apart.

Mother's Day Celebration

When we came back to our site, we were able to start translating their website into English.  My Spanish is not good enough to translate from Spanish to English, so we translated from "Google English" to website friendly language.  I really enjoyed helping in this way.  Recently, La RED lost its funding from Spain because of the financial crisis there.  So, now they are looking to expand their funding and trying to target donors in the US as well as Canada.  They are looking to partner with NGOs, organizations and universities within North America that have an interest and passion to fund work for people living with disabilities.  If anyone is interested in partnering with them or desires to check their agency out, here is there website www.laredelsalvador.com.

The students received our donations.

After our site visits, we did presentations about our agencies.  At the end of the presentations, our professors asked us what we learned about ourselves through the site visit.  One thing I was reminded of about myself is that I work really hard to make everyone comfortable and engaged in situations that might be uncomfortable.  Everything at the agency visit was new--people, organizational structure, work day flow and the mission.  I also felt the language barrier a lot during the day, and was frustrated that I could not converse freely with everyone at the site like I would had they spoken English.  Through the service experience, I also remembered my strong desire to complete projects.  My work and grad school experience has turned me into sort of an "achievement addict."  I find myself loving to work hard and complete projects well.  While this is a great strength, it can also be a hindrance in the big picture of things.  Dr. Guevara reminded us that it is not always doing for people that is welcomed or appreciated.  Instead, it is solidarity--standing beside, choosing to listen and feeling empathy that leads to some sort of intentional action.  Again, here is where the difference in the Salvadorian culture and our North American culture stand out.  It is individualism verses collectivism.  Individualistic cultures look for product first whereas collectivist ones may look for community first.  Individualistic cultures seek to fix and complete whereas collective ones long to be heard and work then to organize around pertinent issues.

Once again during this trip, my thoughts and perspectives are being widened and changed as we live and share the space of others.  I keep wondering what the transformation will look like when I return.

Brittany and I riding down the volcano.

Day 11--Service Site

Employee painting pottery at Shicali

Today the group all split up and went to different service sites.  Brittany and I had the opportunity to go to La Red which is an NGO that works to place people with disabilities in jobs within the community.  We spent most of the day talking with Rolando who is the director at the center.  Also, we met other employees at the center and learned some of their roles within the organization.  They are hoping we can help them translate some portions of their website as well as some documents they are hoping to use to raise funds in the US and other supporting countries.

We felt the pressure today of not being able to communicate freely because of the language barrier.  The director spoke English well, but we still couldn't clearly share or really understand a lot of what was going on logistically today.  I am tired today after working hard to be engaged and could definitely use a quiet corner to decompress. Tomorrow is our last day at the site.  We are visiting the volcano where there is a school project and will probably work on translating documents for their organization.

Day 10

Students at the local school at Los Pobres

Today was another great day in El Salvador.  We went to Los Pobres and juvenile girl's home.  We had the opportunity to spend time with ten girls and converse with them about our lives and theirs.  It was really powerful to hear their stories and to connect with them.

Day care member at Los Pobres

For me, the best part of the day was our evening debrief with the group.  We covered our experiences from the last few days.  Everyone had a chance to share about where they have been with all the experiences and how they are feeling with the group.  It was a great time of sharing together.  I love seeing how each of us has grown from the day we boarded the plane, and I love how each person has their own perspectives and unique strengths.  We are a ragtag group of people brought together by common experiences that have bonded us deeply.  Most of us may not have gravitated to one another outside of this trip, yet now, we feel like a family.  Through digestive problems, hot bus rides, rooster and dog serenades at extremely early hours, and stories of Salvadorians, we have blended our minds and hearts in our own group's solidarity.  It is truly beautiful to know that humanity itself will eventually connect us and bring us into a place of unconditional positive regard.  Our consensus tonight, as we shared a drink on the second floor balcony, is that we are grateful to share this study abroad trip together.

The group's hands after river clean up.

Day 7, 8, & 9--Santa Marta

Santa Marta

Rosalea and Mary--our host family

I am back at the Oasis from my weekend in Santa Marta.  It is a wonderful community in the hills of El Salvador, close to the Honduran border.  There is so much I could say about this weekend trip, but I will try to be concise for your reading pleasure as well as my constant need for sleep.  The people within this community were forced in 1981 to flee their homes, belongings, etc in Santa Marta to seek refuge in Honduras from the ARENA army that was torturing and killing their community members and families.   The conflict broke out because the people of Santa Marta and other poor communities finally had enough of the repressive regime and stood up through a fight for their human rights.  Unfortunately, the US government was funding the ARENA military party and was sending 1 million dollars of tax payer money a day to fight against the people of El Salvador.  At that time, the US was fighting communism around the country and felt the guerillas in El Salvador were communists instead of people wanting dignity and respect.  We heard stories about how women and children were crossing the Lampa River (which serves as the border between El Salvador and Honduras).  Many stories recounted the fear and trauma of that moment and those years during the civil war conflict.  Many shared of the drownings and massacres at the river during those days.  The people of Santa Marta returned to their land in 1988 and had to survive during the time of war, fighting for their basic human rights against the government.  In 1992, the Peace Accord was signed and the war stopped.  But by that time, the community had to rebuild itself.  However, instead of being defeated by the war, this community used their suffering to produce in them a weighty strength and a deep sense of joy and purpose in what they accomplished together and what they want to accomplish in the future.

Me, Rosalea and Emma at her home

This is Rosalea's house area

My friend Emma and I had the absolute privilege to spend two nights with our host family Rosalea and her granddaughter Mary.  They were such a treasure and delight!  I have so many touching stories from our short time together, but I want to share one story that will showcase their generosity and hospitality.  It was our second night with them, and we were both very very dirty from the day's events.  There is not running water in Santa Marta, so one must almost do a sponge bath to clean.  During the day, our group had walked all over the community and even spent time cleaning out garbage in their local river.  Also, at the end of the day, the rains began to pour and soaked the streets.  By the end of the night, our sandals had mud, animal feces and who knows what else caked in them.  Our feet also did not come out of the day looking or smelling very pretty either.  Rosalea asked Emma if she would want to wash her feet before we went to bed.  We thought it over and decided it was a "buena idea" (good idea).  She went to her pila, which is the concrete basin where water is kept and functions a bit like a kitchen/laundry room, and started getting a bowl ready for our feet.  She handed the bowl to me, and I began washing my feet.  They were a sight, but I was so grateful for the soap and water.  As I moved to my second foot, Rosalea came out and said, "No, no," and then took my hands away from my foot.  When I realized what she was going to do, I quickly tried to dissuade her.  In my best Spanish, I told her I was very dirty and that she did not need to wash my feet.

She quickly disregarded my request and picked up my sweaty, muddy, smelly foot and began to wash it with her soft hands.  Immediately, I began laughing as tears welled up in my eyes.  I could not believe she was doing this!  When she was finished with the first foot, she picked up the other foot that I previously washed.  Again, she poured water over the foot, removing with her hands any of the left over dirt and grime.  Then, she proceeded to wash my sandals with her hands.  Her fingers dug into the grooves, pushing out all of the caked in material.  In that moment, I was humbled beyond believe.  Here I am, a recently graduated master's student with so many options in front of me, striving to find my place, bathed in the comforts of wealth and privilege, and coming to Santa Marta very unsure of the natural conditions and discomforts.  And here is this beautiful woman of about seventy five years--a woman who has known suffering, watched her friends die, lived to tell her stories.  This woman, who doesn't live with running water, has chickens, roosters, turkeys and other life forms running freely through her yard.  This woman so freely and matter-a-factly engages in an act of service which is such an act of love.  In her right then, I was awakened to Jesus behind her skin--the humbleness of Christ coming to serve, revealing the mystical power in service.  All of me wanted to refuse her service, to say that I can do it myself.  But the voice inside me said, "Accept the gift."  So, I did.  And it has fed me throughout the day.  It will continue to feed me as we travel and when I return home.

My bed with mosquito netting

There is such a power in true genuine service and humility.  Very rarely do I find myself in this position of unabashed service or living with such an embracing hospitality.  This was one of the many amazing experiences we had with this family in two short days.  At the risk of sounding dramatic, I will say that in her presence, I literally felt touched by God.

The hikers:  Me, Emma, Dr. Guevara, Kristin
Brittany (and Cristina who took the pic).

We have now returned home to the Oasis.  Many of us rushed to the showers to clean off the dirt and sweat that caked on over the last few days.  But what we didn't wash off were the memories of the people of Santa Marta.  The sweetness of their presence, the service and purpose they employ, nor the dignity with which they live their lives.  Our individualistic strivings for success seem like vapors compared to the solidarity found within the dwelling of this community.

We hiked in and out of Santa Marta.