Life After El Salvador

May 30th, 2012

Todd and I visited Petoskey after our study abroad experience.

Well, it has been over a week since I've returned from El Salvador.  Ok, maybe closer to two weeks, but who's counting.  I waited to write this final entry because I needed time and space to let things gel--my trip experiences, my life here, family, and just the general uncertainty of my newly graduated life.  When I returned, I slammed back into action pretty quickly, but have finally had some time to think and write again.

When people ask me about my trip, I find my self stumped and somewhat tongue tied.  I find myself wondering about who is asking, how much time we have to talk, and if I have access to my pictures or not.  I realize I need to have varied versions of my trip experience to share because of time and relational differences.  Right now, I don't know how well I am doing communicating all this.  However, I do know that I can share a lot easier with my pictures in front of me.

I am grateful for my family and friends here with whom I have had long conversations about the trip.  My husband and I spent a lot of time after I returned talking over Salvadorian coffee, catching each other up on the past events of the two weeks.  My parents and brother were avid followers of the blog, and were very engaged in my pictures and stories as we celebrated Mother's Day together.  My six year old niece sat with me the whole time as I shared many of my pictures with her and my sister.  These moments and many more showed me once again the richness within my current community.  The beauty and depth of these relationships were highlighted after witnessing the powerful communities within El Salvador.  Needless to say, I feel blessed.

Todd and I hiking around Little Traverse Bay.

My life is still in transition right now.  I am trying to do a moral inventory of my life--what I wear, eat, buy, value, and see if these line up with fair and sustainable practices.  Also, I am really aware of my comforts and am trying to reconcile how I live in the States but still keep my head clear and maintain a global perspective on "need" verses "want".  I am also wondering how luxuries and comforts that I experience take the edge off my consciousness and seem to insulate me from the struggles that others around the world face daily.

I do keep thinking of Santa Marta, as challenging as it was for me personally.  I keep going to the community in my mind--seeking peace, love and comfort within those memories.  It's weird because I didn't feel comfortable in a physical sense there at the time, but somehow the memories have these warm feelings embedded within them.

So, at this point, I will continue to carry El Salvador within me as live and work here.  My trip as well as my reflection time upon being back has led me to focus on certain principles.  I am convinced that being present is ultimately important as I move forward.  Also, I believe it is also important to not fear fear or doubt but to remember who I am, whose I am, where I've been, and where I am, and to be aware of where I am going.  As I move forward on this journey, I will work to have open hands to whatever comes my way.

Day 14

Today we left our beloved Oasis hotel.  It really turned into a home for us.  Damion, Carolina, their family and staff were wonderful to us, and we all cherished our time at their place.  Every meal we had there was amazing.  The bottled water was always chilled and ready to hydrate our overheated bodies, and we all collected new, stylish pieces from Carolina's jewelry store collection.

Crazy Riptide!

After we left, we headed to the beach.  It was a perfect way to transition further to home.  We enjoyed our day of rest, and made numerous trips to the Pacific for a playful wrestle with the waves!  We did have to be careful because the rip tide was extremely strong.  I have never felt anything like that in an ocean, so we had a healthy fear.  But that definitely did not keep us from jumping into and riding the waves to the shore.

Emma and I playing in the waves with Dr. Guevara (who is not pictured:))

Angie and I on our final night.

Billy and Debiana relaxing after a day of sun.

During the evening, the group had our final debrief.  We were asked two major questions, "What were we going to leave in El Salvador, and what were we taking home with us from the trip?"  By this time, our group had become very intertwined in one another's life stories, and were able to share honestly our closing thoughts about the trip.  For me, I normally love questions like these.  I love asking them, listening to the responses from them and most of the time, I love answering them.  This time, however, it was very challenging for me to clearly answer these.  So, here is a synopsis of how I attempted to answer these questions.  I know that I will take the stories of the Salvadorians home with me.  In addition, I will also take the stories of my group members with me as well.  I will carry how all of our lives intersected for this moment in time and will cherish the growth we all experienced together.

My community art contribution to "be"

As for how this trip will change my life when I get home, I just don't know.  I have learned that planning out one's life does not work for me.  Plans are constantly revised.  My goal is to live with my eyes centered on my passions and my hands open to the possibilities.  Yet, I do know that this trip was such an invitation to me from God to grow and change.  I do know that I love Central America, specifically El Salvador.  This trip just re-energized the excitement I first felt when I traveled abroad for the first time twelve years ago.  I suspect that my journey abroad is not complete, but do not at this time have any leads or guidance about the capacity or involvement I may have in the future.  As for what I am leaving in El Salvador--I hope to leave some of my entitlement  behind. I do not want to think egocentrically about politics, international affairs or even my daily life choices.  I do not want to continue to be entangled by luxuries and cultural insulation that promises to satisfy but only clouds my heart and mind.  I want to be free to think about how our decisions affect the rights and dignity of others.  I want to clearly hear when I need to make unpopular or sacrificial choices of love.  Through this trip, I have added to the cloud of witnesses that have trusted and acted from a sacred place deep within.  I want to keep the stories of Monsenor Romero, Sister Peggy, Walter, Rosalea and the countless others who have shown how deep love can rise out of suffering and change not only themselves but the world around them.  To me, that is the call of my faith--to embrace the suffering of Christ and to show active love and care to all.  That is the hope I have for change.

One friend I traveled to Haiti with bought me a bracelet years ago. On it was a quote from Mother Teresa stating, "We can do no great things; just small things with great love."  I struggled with that statement for a while.  I wanted to do great things, heroic things and I wanted them to start now!  Yet, as I move more through life, I see doing small things with great love is truly where the action and change begins, builds and revolutionizes.  Monsenor Romero did not turn to the poor to do "great things."  He changed his philosophy because he could no longer subscribe to the corrupt version the church taught him.  He was human, someone who changed slowly over time with many small decisions.  Rosalea didn't take away my fears or anxieties during my stay at her house.  Instead, she loved me through a small, thoughtful and practical action of caring for my physical needs.  Yet, these small actions touched me, and they touch others.

In the words of Sister Peggy, we are all social projects.  So, I conclude tonight that I am a social project who is continually "under construction."  Thanks for reading about an event in "my project" and investing so much in mine!

Grace and peace.